How To Drive Away Good Dancers: When Well-Intended Dance Communities Fail

Behind the ruby-red, velvet tango curtain is a beautiful, mysterious, complex world. For those who pull back the curtain and enter, they may find riches and treasures and rare beauty. And… a whole lot of bullshit too.

Dancers and tango communities everywhere love to speak on building bigger and better community, creating inclusion, opening the doors of tango to more people.

After several years as a follower in one tango community, I can say that, while I know intentions are usually good, in practice they are often failing in spectacular ways. Drawn from my own experience and several other dancers I spoke with, may I offer some advice on what (not) to do:

Channel Regina George

Encourage cliques. Create some good drama. Up your passive-aggression. Gossip more. Talk shit about people you don’t like. Backstab a bit. Find someone to scapegoat when you get jealous. Master manipulation. Use it to turn people on someone you don’t like.

Let’s talk about middle school nonsense. I teach middle schoolers, and sometimes it seems like there is more nonsense in tango communities than in actual middle school. Drama, gossiping, backstabbing, manipulation, and frankly, downright mean behavior… tangueros, are you aware of where you contribute to this?

Those of you who get your kicks from the same social clout wielded by teenagers, take heed. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone or even dance with everyone, but your energy matters. You are creating the kind of bullshit dysfunctional community that will make those of us who value healthy, functional relationships sick to our stomachs and drive us out.

Brandish Some Male Ego

For the “gents”: Man-splain on the dance floor to make sure everyone knows your tango prowess. While you’re at it, make sure to deliver feedback even if you’re not asked for it. Regularly drop how many years you’ve been dancing tango, because that really says something. Zero in on those new, young followers, they definitely need your guidance. Make sure to display as many fancy moves as possible so people see how great you are. Throw a fit when she declines your cabaceo (or, more likely, your verbal ask). Keep score of how many hot-girl tandas you bagged. Always ask the best followers to dance, regardless of your level, you are undoubtedly still a tango god. Engage in a little chest beating/pissing contest over the “valuable” followers. “Stake your claim” on the one you want (definitely don’t ask her what she wants). Make sure it’s not just about sharing good tango, but those bed-post-notch benefits too (you want good return on investment, duh).

Men, I hate to break it to you: Most of you are rocking some blind spots here. Heck, we all have blindspots, but are you willing to look for them? Because those ego blind spots often act like glaring fog horns of noxious masculine insecurity, driving away both women and other good men. Take down the feeble fortress shielding your tender hearts, your insecurities, your vulnerabilities. We actually like you better when you’re not pretending they aren’t there. It’s really pretty simple: Be a decent human. Be respectful. Be self-reflective. Remember it’s not all about you.

Phone Ghost a Friend

Ahh, tango friends, now there’s a group to emulate… A delightful blend of fair-weather, fickle, cliquish, hierarchical. Be nice one day, cancel someone the next. Be gluttonous for attention, but sharpen your sword when you see someone else getting it. Become an expert at spewing your own trauma back on others. Celebrate bad relationship skills, atrocious communication skills, and high-school-level drama. Always be ready to create a little false malicious gossip, make yourself susceptible to believing false malicious gossip, definitely ghost someone over false malicious gossip. Trigger easily, project when triggered. Respond with manipulation, passive-aggression, and retaliation.

Wow, tango friends seem to be… a special brand of fucked up. Maybe no more fucked up than in any other community? But as someone with almost zero appetite for creating or sustaining drama, even I can’t seem to avoid what seems like epic levels of dysfunctional fuckery here. (Do I even want tango friends??) Can we - gasp - bring some healthy, functional, relational skills back to tango, please? News flash — almost no one enters adulthood with good relationship skills. You actually have to learn and practice them. Lord knows a lack of this isn’t just in tango, but I can tell you: Some bullshit dysfunction in your tango relationships will make tango a hellish place to be. Learning and practicing some kind, healthy, functional, relational skills will make tango a lovely place to be. Which do you want?

Create the Unfriendliest Atmosphere Possible

When a new person walks into a room of tangueros… definitely don’t talk to them. Maybe for weeks. Let them flounder in a corner and feel awkward. Possibly look at them the way your cat does when he stares at you in silent and seeming judgement. When an experienced dancer walks into a new room in a new town or a new festival, don’t talk to him/her either. Don’t introduce yourself. Don’t ask where they’re from. Don’t say, “Welcome to ___.” Maintain that tango mystique at all costs.

We are “tango people.” We are intense, passionate, inscrutable… and judge-y, aloof, and unwelcoming. And if we’re really good? We’re even MORE judge-y, aloof, and unwelcoming.

OK, not everyone… but I bet at least some of you are silently nodding along right now. I have been in other dance communities with very different atmospheres when it comes to warmth and welcome, and tango is not winning in that category. We often ask ourselves why there aren’t as many people of different shapes, sizes, and colors in tango, and I think this is at least part of the answer. Can we create an atmosphere in our milongas, our practice studios, and online that is more friendly? It starts with each of us: our energy, our attitude, our behavior. And it grows from there.

Set Up Some Solid Security Theatre

When it comes to virus reduction, set up rules that have little difference in actual transmission risk but definitely make people feel better. Don’t adjust the rules as new data comes out showing that your rules don’t make as much sense as you once thought they did. Don’t offer options for those making a different choice. Focus on the pariah category and keep them out. While you’re at it, trash them on Facebook too. Make sure to mention how glad you are that the idiots will be weeded out of communities. Or, if you’re feeling nice, tell them you still like them and it isn’t anything personal, but they still can’t come. Feel free to criticize others’ adherence to the “rules” but go ahead and bend them when it’s in your favor. If you feel conflicted about the continued requirements to keep dancing, just cave and do whatever they say (even if it makes no logical sense for your health risks) to make sure you’re still allowed into things. If you still miss those who got shut out, make sure to keep dancing with them “underground” and then immediately head to events where they aren’t allowed (thereby keeping them, but not their germs, away). Don’t say anything when your friends aren’t invited to or permitted to join events, you wouldn’t want to stick your neck out and rock any boats. Don’t check in on your former “friends” who are no longer allowed in and let them know that they are missed.

Give plenty of lip service to building inclusive community — and then do the exact opposite of that.

I make no comment here on anyone’s personal choice regarding their risks (other than to say I will always stand with choice). But damn, if I haven’t noticed some really illogical, hypocritical, divisive, and downright ugly behavior from the tango community on this topic. True colors = revealed.

I realize I didn’t even make it to the extended list of pet peeves, like leaders who lead their follower’s heel into your foot, interminable interruptions in milongas, DJs with bad taste, or my favorite, people who walk up and ask, “Can I get a dance with Barbie?” Personally, I can survive a bit of that. The bigger things? On cynical days, I think, why the hell do I stick around for this level of bullshit? On better days, I think: tango, at heart I still love you… maybe there is a way I can reform my relationship with you, and yours with me.

And so my questions for everyone are:

Can we all reflect on where we may be contributing to this? How can we do better?

And for the good, kind, and perhaps even talented dancers left who love tango but have experienced these things, and who find themselves standing ten feet from the edge of a cliff where they jump off and leave tango for good… what should they do? What would you do?

Coming soon (I hope): Part 2

A New Tango Manifesto: The Re-Enchantment