Kill the Obedient Tango (and the Obedient Good Girl)

I have written about the “good girl” and her death before. But truthfully, I think the Good Girl (or Good Boy—this is wounded feminine we’re talking about here, but we’ve all got both) has many deaths. For those of us living that role so deeply for so many years, she needs to die many times over.

She needs to learn to say no.

She need to learn to piss people off.

She needs to find her Fierce.

She needs to fall from the grace of the Perception of Perfection.

She needs to get angry.

She needs to push back.

She needs to stop being so nice.

She needs to stop caring what other people think.

She needs to stop bending, contorting, folding, smallen-ing, fawning, and people-pleasing.

She needs to stop doing everything everyone wants her to do so obediently.

Let’s talk about that last one…

Despite the fact that my tango life has been… strained? changed? grieved? … in the last year, I have continued to work on my tango. And, as one might predict if you know tango, working on one’s tango means working on one’s shit. The same shit that shows up in life. Is it life imitates art, or art imitates life? Is there even a difference?

What emerged for me as a theme was how I needed to kill the obedient Good Girl in my tango, too.

The Good Girl holds things in.

Tango: Where are you holding tension in your body? For me, I was holding my free leg. Not letting it relax, hang, be weighted. I was still controlling it. Dropping the free hip, letting the leg be relaxed, not only feels better in my body, it produces better balance, better axis, and a free leg that is much easier for the leader to sense and lead.

The Good Girl does what she’s told.

Tango followers: Where are you immediately changing weight/“doing” the move as soon as you know what the leader’s led? Despite the fact that you want to “get it right,” just getting it right doesn’t actually produce the most interesting dancing. The stretchy, viscous tension and polarization produced in-between the lead impulse and the arrival is where things get really interesting.

The Good Girl doesn’t push back.

Tango: Let’s talk about resistance. This is not being resistant, as in oppositional, to your leader and “fighting” him (or her), but rather being a bit “slower” and offering more resistance in your response to the lead. Plant yourself on your axis and be harder to move. “Slow him down” more from the embrace as you walk, and you will produce a much more dynamic walk, with more mega-extension of the legs. The dance overall will be more grounded.

The Good Girl doesn’t take up space.

Tango: Let’s talk about taking the space and time to “finish” things, especially rotational things. I have an obedient habit of not taking enough time and rotation to finish moves with dissociation or rebound (front boleo, gancho, etc.), probably in part because I have a lifetime of dance training that has engrained in me to “finish the move on time.” (And a lifetime of not taking up space/not taking what I need/not inconveniencing others.) What I have learned is that taking up more space/time for anything that has a rebound (i.e. letting myself go much further in a rotation/dissociation and taking all the time that needs) produces something with much more power and dynamism.

For the non-tango readers out there, one of tango’s beautiful and fascinating qualities is its ability to mirror the dynamics of life in a microcosm. The Good Girl—the wounded feminine—no doubt shows up in tango too. As does the wounded feminine’s other sister, manipulation and craving attention. And I’ve no doubt there’s a Part Two to this series: the wounded masculine and how it shows up in tango. Perhaps with some leader consult, that one will be next.

If you let it, tango will show you everything you struggle with: where you control, collapse, or cave. Where you tense, where you people-please. Where you hide, what you fear. What you do when you meet an edge. Where your ego needs validation. What you need, and what you can give. Where you aren’t listening, where you're insecure, where you judge.

As always, the things that are coming up for us, whether in tango, relationships, or life, are always an opportunity into something deeper. They are an invitation into our growth, if we choose to see them that way.

Many things have changed for me in the last year. I can’t say the invitations are always easy, but there is always a gift underneath, if we’re willing to look.

Here’s to the death of our Good Girls. Underneath, our true, unique, powerful authenticity is dying to come out and live.

Image by Fabrice Dozias.