Live Alone and Like It

Building a delightful solo life, quarantine or not

Live alone and like it: quarantine intervention, or modern (“extra”) 1930s feminist advice?

Whether you find yourself spending much more time alone in 2020 (the Year That Turned Us Upside Down), you’re single after a long period of coupledom, or you’ve been single for what feels like forever but are still feeling “less than” about that whole situation…

I’ve got a reframe on living and being alone for you.

Yes, it is possible to live alone and like it.

Yes, it is possible to feel emotionally and functionally whole by yourself.

Yes, it is possible to spend lots of time alone and feel happy and full.

I don’t know if this is the advice a forward-thinking, 1930s Carrie Bradshaw would pen, but I hope it’s helpful for every woman (or man) out there, living alone and desiring a full, beautiful life with joyful, abundant vibes rather than sad, hermit-y old lady vibes.

1. Find your “fun” and fill your life with it

I had to laugh when a couple I met last year at a friend’s gathering asked me, “So what do you DO all the time if you don’t watch TV?” 

I watch very little TV. Like, VERY little. I can count on one hand the TV shows I’ve watched in completion in the last probably four years. 

This couple said they were trying to get away from the default dinner-Netflix-bed routine. 

I held my tongue here from saying something snarky/inappropriate (“I can think of lots of fun couples’ activities”) and mentioned my love of making and writing and tango.

Even during quarantine, I’m nowhere near running out of things to do that I enjoy. Walks in nature. Meditating. Cuddling my cats. Researching, designing, sourcing, and sewing clothes. Writing poems and articles. Reading books. Practicing or watching tango. Studying Spanish. Napping.

I’m not running out of fun things to do anytime soon. I am not dissolving into a couch potato, complaining that I’ve run out of thing to watch on Netflix.

Notice though that not all of these things are busy “doing” kinds of things. I love nothing more than to sit on the bed with my sleeping cat and just relax. Somewhere along the way, we decided that was a “waste of time.” But I’ve come to believe the “empty” moments are just as important as the busy ones. Creativity, inspiration, and intuition typically don’t come out to play unless you settle down and give them some empty space.

The other thing about “fun” is that it doesn’t always have to be this rollicking, rip-roaring, hands in the air, free-flowing champagne kind of thing.

Fun is allowed to be quieter. Weirder. Solo. Contented.

What things make you smile? What things make your heart a little sparklier? What things produce a feeling of delight?

It’s actually a really simple and easy indicator. Start to get acquainted with what these things are. Start doing more of them, little by little.

(And I’m not against TV being one of the fun things here. Just be aware that it’s also one of the classic numbing things, so make sure you are doing it as intentional enjoyment time and not unintentional numbing out.)

You will undoubtedly encounter, too, a bunch of little voices that pop up and tell you why you can’t do these fun things.

Those are your limiting beliefs. Thank goodness we know what they are now so we can slay them.

As you start filling more of your life with the fun things that make you smile and light you up, you’ll find that you feel fuller from the inside out.

When you feel fuller and autonomous and happier without grasping at things/people outside yourself, you will shine more.

You will have an easier time saying no to anything not in alignment with your true heart and soul.

And all this will, ironically, make you more radiant and irresistible to more good things, more fun, more people who love you for you, etc.

2. Romance yourself

Ladies (and gents), here’s where we stop waiting for a man (or woman, any combo) to give us what we want and make us happy. You want flowers, chocolates, romance? Cuddles, massages, date nights, gifts, hugs, pampering, nurturing, pleasure? 

DO THAT FOR YOU.

Seriously.

I know it’s easier to forget to do this stuff when it’s just for you.

And yes, it may require a bit more creativity. You can do it.

(Spoiler: You are just as worthy of all that amazingness as any perfect partner you would gladly do it for.)

It may take some stubborn intentionality, but I highly recommend building in routines where you identify the nurturing, feel-good, pleasurable things you want from a partner, and find ways to do them for yourself.

Clear space in your life for it. Put it on your calendar if you need to. Dress up for your pleasure (if it pleases you). Feed yourself what pleases you. Your own body deserves your attention too. Practice seeing, speaking, and appreciating your beautiful, magical, and rare qualities. Buy yourself flowers even if it feels weird and unnecessary.

It will also start to facilitate a mindset shift.

You will be clearer on what you want, and you will start to believe that you can give it all to yourself. 

I personally have a hang-up about my birthday. I secretly want someone to make a huge fuss over me and spoil me… but the reality is, I cannot remember the last time I had a truly amazing birthday. (Actually, I can. It was a magical day in college where a group of friends spoiled me silly all day.) I had a nice low-key day a couple years back… but in between that, I have found myself crying on my birthday or feeling lonely and awful an unreasonable number of times in my adult life.

So when it rolls around later this year, I think it is time for a rewrite. And I’M going to be scripting it.

I’m going to spoil myself the way I’ve always hoped someone would for me.

See what happens when you take back the power there?

You give it all to yourself: love, spoiling, nurturing, care, pleasure.

And mind you, this is not an “either or” sort of situation. You don’t have to sacrifice wanting or getting all the amazingness from someone else because you are learning to give it to yourself.

It’s a “yes, and” kind of a thing.

Yes, you get to give yourself all the love and goodness you desire.

And, you get to receive it from someone too.

3. Remember the upsides

It’s easy to forget this, because society’s programming still very much reinforces that the goal is getting married and settling down with the house and kids.

But have you forgotten all the mega advantages you have when you don’t have a spouse and rug-rats running around all the time?

I sleep when I want, how much I want. I take up the whole bed.

I walk around the house in whatever (or not) I want.

I don’t have to clean up my messes if I don’t feel like it.

I don’t have to clean up anyone else’s messes.

I get to do what I want, when I want.

I get to eat, watch, listen to whatever I like.

If a routine feels good, I can follow it. If it doesn’t, I can abandon it.

I get to decorate my space with only what pleases me.

I can have as much alone time as I want. (So. Much. For me.)

Silence (excepting the neighboring construction and garbage trucks) is mine, if I want it.

I can talk to myself anytime I feel like it. Fart at will. Cry whenever. Dance around the house and generally be as weird as I damn well please.

A couple years ago, I was back visiting my hometown. I ran into a friend from high school I hadn’t seen in years in line at the local bagel legend. As we were catching up, I got a major reframe.

Here was the point I often dread: I’m one of the only ones from my high school group not married and without kids (there’s only one other friend I can think of). I had recently blown up my whole life and work situation and was in the process of moving cross-country. 

I would often feel “bad” in these casual social moments. I can’t check off many of the outward things that people ask about when you run into an old friend and catch up: “Oh, I got married, have this amazing hot husband, dream house and career, angel child who got into an Ivy League school at age five, and oh yeah, I won an Oscar last year.”

But here’s what I learned: the friend in line was visibly pregnant. I knew she had another young one. She had a perfectly solid job, but I could tell from her face that she was entirely unenthused by it. She mentioned an ailing mother-in-law and being tethered to stay in the spot where they were. And here’s where I was a little shocked—she looked genuinely envious of my freedom to pick up my whole life and move to SoCal, simply because I wanted to.

I had been so focused on the terrifying, uncertain, and lonely aspects of my situation, that I forgot to see all the upsides.

It’s time to remember that from a place of aloneness also comes a vast freedom and potentiality to create whatever we want in life.

(Now, I do certainly believe that regardless of family circumstances or anything external, we can still always make changes and create the life we want. But I grant you that being untethered often makes the wide-open field of potential even easier to access.)

>>>>>

Now here’s where I will be very honest with you—I have spent much of my adult life hoping that someone or some circumstances would “solve” the things about myself and my life that I didn’t like.

I felt rather powerless. I wanted something to sweep in and save me and make me happy.

It has been one the hardest but most important lessons to date—how to love myself first and fully, how to give myself both inner and outer wholeness and joy, how to take my power back, and how to begin intentionally crafting the life I truly want, me-myself-and-I, rather than hoping something or someone else will give it to me.

The irony of building a delightful solo life is that it makes you infinitely more available and ready for attracting exceptional people to share it with. You know that whole adage about being the greatest magnet for something when you’re not looking and don’t need it? Yes. This is that.

The moment you really feel that letting go—“I know the amazing relationship I want, I believe I deserve it and can have it, but I’m 100% OK without it”—is the moment of liberation.

So live alone, liberate your heart, and give yourself all the love you need.

After all, you are the prize. Others will realize it only when you do.

Image: vintage book cover, “Live Alone and Like It,” by Marjorie Hillis, 1936.